Cheer Up Cherubs knaves & Imps its Stevie T's Cockney Footy Tips and a big thanks to the reads from Millwall, Southend, Spurs and of course QPR fans - from Shepherds Bush Bust Bush - a place allegedly where there is no income tax and no VAT, Lovely Jubbly. Great quip from the lad who suggested the Grimsby Town manager had got a boat (boat race face) to match his shipwreck of a squad and just like the boat race he's taking the club backwards. You couldn't make that Jackanory up could you?
3 The Dodgy Jack & Airbenders
The Imps have just defended a Jack Horner - corner - poorly and conceded a goal; Tilly & Brushy are beside themselves, the claret is pumping & the duo are jumping shouting Dinsdale (Monty Python’s evil giant hedgehog) and threatening to nail crystal balls to cake stands.
“**** ** That goal was anchor spreadable them Airbenders must be mutton all of them. I dunno Brushy I Adam & Eve you’ve been working with the back four all week, both centre half’s cant use their Uncles let alone use their plates. One full back couldn’t trap a sand bag and the other needs a stick of dynamite in his Adams to get his little Bacons goin’. We need to get rid of that Teflon keeper too he’s got a touch like Captain Hook, ship him out Brushy ship him out!”
“No-what-yer-mean Stevie T - I’d have more faith in the Vatican sponsoring and refereeing an under 14’s 5 a side competition. Fear not feller I’ll have Dave the Doorman up here in his Cosworth in no time to put him out to pasture”
“You kill me Brushy yer really do you’ve got more Lines than Clapham and Crewe junctions put together. Lets go and have a greasy spoon fry up tomorrow me old china and take these dodgy slerrrrrgz wiv us”
The Translation
That goal was incredible suggests Stevie T fearing the defence are mutton Jeff deaf. Brushy’s been working with the middle airbenders - central defenders - all week concentrating on their heading (Uncle Ned head) and footwork (plates of meat) but to no avail it would appear. The manager is also concerned that he may have to resort to putting explosives in one full backs shorts/pants to get his little legs going. As for the goalkeeper well clearly he has non stick gloves – alas born with the disability best place him on the list pronto.
Brushy’s comments need little translation as ever and having seen the picture of Dave, aka ‘Porridge Disturber Dave’ due to his trademark low blow to the midriff, you get the impression the dodgy keeper in question would jump at the chance of a trip in a Sierra Cosworth Cabriolet to a greener pleasant pasture. But it is his Essex born and bred Mrs that really makes one touch cloth.
Stevie T’s top tip to avoid it happening again.
Cure this number nine ailment with a swift, firm but fair kick up the Gary glitter. Brushy can then get the defence to improve their Uncle skills as well as their plates. Perhaps a team building exercise at the rubber dub dub, i.e. the back four at the pub having a good old singsong around the joanna - piano - would help for sure.
Rhyme Time Cockney Key
Airbenders - defenders
Anchor spreadable – incredible.
Adam & Eve it – believe it
Uncles – Uncle Neds - heads
Plates – plates of meat – feet
Mutton – Mutton Jeff - deaf
Adams – Adam & the ants – pants
Bacons - Bacon & Eggs – Legs
me old china – china plate -mate