Stevie T is stressed at the amount of walking wounded, who are currently Tom & Dick (sick at the club). He deduces that he needs to pay up one way or another to get the team to follow him. As if to aid his cunning plan Lincoln affords him the perfect route for a pub crawl with ample bookies along the way for a good wholesome punt. So after a cure all all-dayer up and down Steep Hill getting Brahms & List, any remaining trouble makers can be paid up on the cheap for bringing the club into disrepute. Imp chairman Bob Dorian is in two minds although he has no problem agreeing to fund the bar tab bless him – a brave man is Uncle Bob given the hollow legs of most of the Imps side. Stevie T would also make sure Brushy was the designated driver so that he could hold the settlement offers for the deviants to sign if need be on the way home. All's fair in love and football.
The treatment table one Monday in late 2010…………………………
“We need to build up the team spirit Brushy, there are geezers in the club clinic pretending to be Tom & Dick pulling wool over the Quack physios mincers because they hate the place so much.”
“You can say that again Stevie T.” Says Brushy. “Two defenders have done their chalks – ones broken his humerous – would you Adam & Eve it - while the other’s just twisted his Schindlers, so he could play. Full back Droopy has just got a kick in the Alberts but he should be fit. In fact he’s so green at the moment if we stretched him 8 inches he could be the Goally instead of that Teflon calamity keeper, who is as much good as any one of the seven dwarfs.”
“Deary deary me, do me a cheese quaver” sighs Stevie T concerned enough to hit live pause on Sky Sports. “I’ve seen raspberries jump higher than him.”
“There’s more gaffer, the Captains biscuits have gone so best ship him out an’all. Two defenders are out, one has a stiff Gregory and the other has bad bruising on his left peg. Four more are pulling a fast one with hamstring injuries and someone reckons he’s going to have to see his doctor – you want to see the rash on his corn on the cob. Self inflicted though, he’s been at it like a nun & habit. I’d fine him but looking at where his hands have been I daren’t touch the cash without a set of marigolds on. Shall I get Dave The Porridge Disturber to knock a few heads together like?”
“No this is not the time for ‘I’ll ave you slergggz’, I was thinking more along the lines of some team building, some male bondin – except for the lad with the bubbly corn on the cob of course. We’ll have an all-dayer and a bit of grub – a few pigs ears and then kebabs are on me tonight – chicken mind no mayonnaise - remember we’re dealing with athletes. Tell em a beer in every rubber dub dub all the way down the hill – fag beaks & bookie detours – and the last one to Itchy or Richie’s or whatever its called gets paid up.”
Someone croaks from the treatment table. “Can we go to Argos boss?”
“No, would you Adam & Eve It Brushy they want to buy bling yet I bet they won’t have any bangers on ‘em to stand their round. Jesus. Tell everyone we’re all going out this Wednesday and anyone not standing their round gets paid up – only joking Uncle B - no need to touch cloth the padlocks can stay closed on the chequebook,”
Rhyme Time Cockney Key
Tom & Dick – Sick
Brahms & List – also Oliver Twist - errr drunk
Mincers – mince pies - eyes
Chalks – chalk farms – arms
Adam & Eve it – believe it
Schindlers - Schindlers list - wrist
Alberts – Albert Halls – balls
Cheese quaver – favour
Raspberries – raspberry ripple –cripple.
Biscuits – biscuits & cheese - knees
Gregory – Gregory Peck – neck.
Peg – wooden peg – leg.
Corn on the cob - knob
Nun & habit – rabbit.
Pigs ears - beers
Rubber dub dub - pub
Bangers – bangers 7 mash - cash