Notts County Set For Fresh Takeover

Last updated : 18 January 2010 By Malcolm Dunkley

Completely unsubstantiated and made up rumours are circulating that Notts County are on the verge of a spectacular take over that will reignite their Premier League dream.

svennOn Sunday, just as Sven (right in case you've forgotten how big his forehead is) was packing his G-Strings and high quality porn away for his next million pound flop of a job, a call came through from a man called Peter Shivering. Shivering was handling the business affairs of a company called KABDAQ or maybe OTNUM or maybe some guy who didn't want to be identified. However Shivering had a cracking offer for County.

It appears that they want to pour a ridiculous amount of money into a tin pot club for no reason at all, and they'd decided on Notts County. They'd be using the excuse of the 'worlds oldest something or other', but basically they just have loads of money they want to throw away. First on the managers shopping list was going to be Ted Bundy, but on hearing he'd been executed they might focus their attentions on Jeffrey Dahmer.

A spokesman for KABDAQ from a cave somewhere in Afghanistan, said this: "It's all above board and kosher.... I've seen the money. Mr Bin Laden keeps it in a suitcase which I've actually seen. He isn't handing the money over yet though, but his people have written a nice letter promising he will so I can't see a problem."

Naive County fans everywhere (pictured left) have pledged to support the takeover by selling their houses in county fansNottingham and all their possessions and giving the £50 they raise to the club to spend on an ageing Premier League defender who probably has 45 minutes football in him.

Shivering himself may have made the following statement: "Our clients OTNUM are very keen to invest in something, and may as well invest it here. They've sent a lovely little note saying they'll invest if the fans all sell their houses and things, and most fans are on board with this. Sven's also said he'll stay until the money dries up, and that big danish fella with a famous dad says if we get him another apartment he'll stay. He doesn't want one in Nottingham though as his last one smelt too much of twenty pound notes that didn't exist."

Gary Uillible, a County fan commented: "Do you want to buy my house? This is so exciting. That bald fella from Ulrika is staying and he's going to bring in a load of his mates and then it'll all be great. We might go to the Premiership so I'm planning on a degree of arrogance for the next few weeks. If it all goes wrong we'll just turn all doey eyed and expect people to feel sorry for us - the same people we are lording it over now."

Parrellels between this takeover and a previous one by the completely unconnected QADBAK have been drawn by some, but most can see no similarites in the deal at all.

In other news KABDAQ have also expressed an interest in buying a Formula 1 racing team. They've also tried to buy Phil 'The Power' Taylor, Harrods and a small country called 'America'.

However all may not be as it seems. Financial agencies are concerned that they may not have enough money to fulfill their pledges of purchase. Shivering however dismisses this:

"I've seen photo's of it, in a suitcase. It's a big suitcase, which gets even bigger if you put it on a big computer monitor. So I know they've got the money. Don't forget the note as well, I hear the fraudster in charge of KABDAQ wrote it with his own wax crayons on the back of some old wallpaper. So nothing to worry about".

LCM will keep you up to speed on the latest developments.